A Day At The Beach (With Just A Few Minor Grievances)

The sand was white. Well, more accurately it was beige, but that really light beige that vacationers lust after while perusing holiday magazines. The water was that perfect turquoise color. You know, the color of that favorite pencil crayon all the girls in your class would fight over back in junior high. The waves all capped white, relentlessly, as line-ups of bikini-clad tourists body surfed their way in and out from shore, squealing with joy.

By anyone's standards, it was an perfectly dreamy scene. And I am truly a sucker for "scene". (This is why I like to always have music playing. It makes everything feel more movie-like. I have since I was a kid. Ask any of my past roommates, or any of the teachers I would fool, hiding just one earphone beneath a blanket of my hair during class. Or I guess they wouldn't know, since I was so sneaky. But it happened.)

Where was I? Oh yes, the beach. So it's utterly dreamy. Probably the most incredible beach I've ever seen. But still, in my humble opinion, beach days, in all their splendour, do come with certain unpleasantries.

For instance...

1. Sand, to me, is an unpleasant necessary when it comes to these beach "scenes". You guys, IT GETS EVERYWHERE. And it STICKS! Between our toes, in your hair, and even in places beneath your swimsuits. How is that in any way lovely? And if you try and go "rinse off" in that big, beautiful, blue ocean - jokes on you! The waves push heaps more of it into your bra and the walk back to your shoes will recover your clean, wet feet once again. THERE IS NO ESCAPE!

And speaking of that ocean....

2. Waves suck, you guys. Trying to cool off in white caps will inevitably find you topless, with your salty, tangled mop flipped forward on your face, gasping for air, only to be knocked over again the second you regain your composure and sense of self. I don't know how anyone makes this whole experience sexy. I certainly have not mastered this. I guess the being topless part helps. But also, you're dodging bodysurfers or real life surfers the entire time - and that is stressful. All I can think of when I see those amateurs lining up to score a wave is... they have no fucking clue how to control themselves or the direction they're going in out there. I know they don't - because I, too, am an amateur surfer, and having to navigate waves in a crowded area is panic-attack worthy. I know it's only a matter of time until I behead someone.

And another thing about waves...

3. They're loud AF. Everyone loves oceanfront property (confirmed by real estate markets everywhere) and sure - waking up to the sound of the ocean can be pretty soothing (people even pay money for apps that simulate these sounds in their 17th floor apartment - so it's definitely a thing). But try sitting out on your balcony to enjoy the fresh air and catch up on a little Netlfix after sunset. YOU CAN'T HEAR A THING!

Furthermore...

4. I'm never quite sure if I can enjoy an adult beverage at the beach. I'm guessing it's against the law. But I do see people indulge. And I'm pretty sure it's generally part of the sell of a good beach afternoon. Isn't it? But I also heard a story about someone who was doing just that (beer on the beach) in Honolulu, and got a ticket that he had to show in court for! And it ended up costing him oodles of money to come back to Hawaii or get a lawyer to sort it out for him. Ahh! You see, at a pool, they serve you cocktails. You just have to use plastic cups. There are clear-cut rules. You see?

And also...

4. Holding oneself perched up on one's elbows is really not that comfortable. And reading or writing this way, like a beached whale on one's belly, is kind of awkward. Plus, it's definitely not ergonomic. And I have bad extensors, so. What's that you say? Flip over? Pfft. Who can hold their book up above them for longer than half a page? Who has that kind of arm strength? Or chest strength? If you do, please tell me how to strengthen those muscles so I can prep better for my next beach trip.

Argh - I have to stop writing now. My shoulder muscles are burning (from aforementioned position) and surely my ass is too at this point. Plus, the ocean water has dripped off the ends of my hair onto the untouched pages of my perfect new Moleskine and there is now sand in the creases (of my book... well and... nevermind).

I'd like to sign off my saying, even considering all things above, it really was an entirely perfect afternoon at the beach and I do highly recommend a visit to Manini‘ōwali Beach (kua Bay) if you're in Kona. Now, time to traipse sand into our rental car and, undoubtably, into our bed. Sigh.

P.S. Tomorrow, I may just hang by the pool.